


Panic Room

by GonerLoner



Series: vent fics [15]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hearing Voices, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other, Panic Attacks, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unreliable Narrator, Violent Thoughts, or at least thoughts of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29273256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GonerLoner/pseuds/GonerLoner
Summary: The numbness gets too loud until he can hear it speaking to him. The tension grows. It wants to be released, constricting his chest, and overwhelming his mind.It gets too much to bear on his own.
Relationships: Lee Felix (Stray Kids) & Everyone
Series: vent fics [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1269089
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44





	Panic Room

**Author's Note:**

> i feel numb and idk why  
> be careful while reading everyone.  
> TW FOR: PANIC ATTACKS AND SELF-HARM THOUGHTS.  
> another vent fic if you couldn't have guessed. have written this one while going through some similar thoughts (i'm (mostly) okay now though) and listening to silent planet on a much too high volume. rip my flatmates  
> i've barely edited this so enjoy my newest brainfart   
> nothing of this is making sense but i used it to keep myself from doing sth to myself so welp
> 
> why do i always load my shit on felix to cope lol

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Numbness, tightness, thoughts that race too fast, panic that lurks just outside his consciousness.

His knuckles burn red with anger after they made contact with the wall one too many times but the pain dissipates too quickly.

It’s not enough.

He hits the wall again.

Again.

Again.

His face stays straight, the numbness inside of him overwhelming, swallowing every feeling that has a chance to surface.

He stumbles back, hits a wall, sinks to the ground. Stares at his hands, blood is running over his knuckles. His breath shakes. Are his hands trembling?

Why is he even here? 

Something claws its way up to his chest, constricting his breath. He closes his eyes, his hands falling to his sides, his breath leaving in short bursts.

He doesn’t remember if he’s alone.

The dorm had been empty when he came back, the other members still at the studio. Maybe he shouldn’t have worried them by saying he would turn in for an early night, but there was no way he could stand the too  _ tight, too small, too LOUD  _ practice room anymore.

It seems Chan recognizes when he’s about to have an attack. Or about to break down. Whatever.

Does he want Chan to come? Rescue him?

No.

He can’t be rescued, he’s too deep.

Swimming in the ocean of his thoughts, Felix curls his hands into fists, trying desperately to not give in to the monster that fills his chest, that wants to break out with a cry, wants to dissolve into screaming sobs, tears that burn on too cold skin, that wants to claw itself out of his skin with nails too bitten off to be of any harm.

He remembers the nail scissors in the cupboard over the sink in the bathroom. 

_ Let me out, LET ME OUT _

Maybe the monster will be quiet once it has left him.

Felix bits his lip until it bleeds, the pain momentarily grounding. He shakes his head, trying to regain control over his thoughts again.

_ LET ME OUT _

_ only a few steps _

The tension inside of him grows. His chest constricts again and his eyes press closed again. He whimpers, or screams. Whatever.

_ LET GO OF THAT TENSION _

_ RELEASE IT _

Felix gives in.

Tears are streaming down his face as he stands, stumbling. The world spins out of its axis, tilting threateningly.

Is he alone?   
The only thing he hears is the rushing of blood in his ears and the voice in his head. 

It’s too much.

Slowly, with trembling hands, he opens his bedroom door, the voice inside his head getting louder with excitement.

_ only a few steps _

_ don’t you want release? _

He does.

The hallway is dark as he leaves his room.

The bathroom is only a few steps away from his door,  _ only a few steps _

“Lixie?”

He freezes.

Steps rush towards him and he panics, stumbles back, and hits the wall of the hallway before he can register Minho in front of him. His breath hitches, quickens, runs away like a scared rabbit.

Wide eyes stare into equally widened ones, a hand raises cautiously like it wants to touch Felix. “Hey- hey, Felix, Yongbokie, what’s happening? What-”

Felix flinches away. Before he can see the hurt in Minho’s eyes, he rushes into the bathroom, closes the door behind himself, and locks it.

Minho knocks at the door, first hesitantly, then more urgently as the seconds pass. “Felix? Felix, open the door! Please!”

_ RELEASE THE TENSION _

Felix’s chest aches, his vision tunnels in on the cupboard over the bathroom sink. 

“No…” he barely manages to whisper, shaking his head. “No, no, nononono Idontwantto-”

Bloody fingers tangle into messy hair, his body sinks to the ground. 

His sobs break free as Minho’s voice grows in volume and desperation and is soon be joined by the other members.

“Help me,” Felix whispers. He’s not sure who he’s pleading to. 

He just has to open the door for his brothers to be there for him. Just has to get up from the ground.

“Felix! Bokkie, can you hear me??”

Felix flinches, his sobs stopping. 

The voices outside quiet down, he violently holds back the voice inside his head.

His chest still aches with tension that begs to be released but he  _ doesn’t want to relapse _ .

“Felix, answer me please!” Oh goodness, is he responsible for that desperation in Chan’s voice?

Felix peels his lips apart to answer but only a thin whine escapes. He can’t move.

Chan curses. “Okay, get away from the door. I’m coming in if you want it or not!”

The click of the lock is damnation and salvation at once. Felix scrambles away from the door, in the corner next to the shower, he’s scared, scared,  _ sodamnscared _

“Hey.”

He hides in his arms, shaking, trembling like a leaf. The voice inside his head laughs, calls him a loser.

“Bokkie, please look at me… Can you do that for me?”

When could Felix ever say no to Chan?

His nails rake over the opposite arm they’re holding and it takes a gigantic amount of willpower but he lifts his head. His lower lip trembles.

“There you are.” Chan smiles, briefly, gorgeously. He brings a bit of light to Felix’s darkened, stained thoughts.

One of Chan’s hands is outstretched, and Felix can see how it trembles. 

“Can you take a deep breath, Bokkie?” Chan asks quietly, softly, gently. His hand stays where it is, just like him, crouched in front of Felix, close enough to be of comfort, far away to not crowd him.

Felix tries to, sucks a breath into his lungs, and it whooshes right out again. The monster still has hold of his chest and it laughs at him for his pathetic attempts to take control again.

His hands pull at his hair again. “No, no, no, stop it-” he whispers.

Chan’s breath hitches but he seems to catch himself again. “Bokkie, angel, I’m here. Concentrate on me, not on what your thoughts are saying.” His voice is deep, calm, gentle, even though it trembles slightly.

Felix tries to, focuses on the pattern of words that flow from Chan’s tongue, only flinches lightly when Chan’s outstretched hand comes in contact with his right underarm. 

“Shhh, it’s me. Relax your fingers, angel. I’ll guide you. I’m here.”

Felix does as he’s told, relaxing his fingers one by one by one.

After a few moments, he can feel Chan’s fingers trailing up to his own. “Is this okay?”

Felix’s eyes are still tightly closed but he nods. He feels himself coming back to himself even though his chest still feels too tight.

Chan’s fingers link with his own, not too loose, not too tight. “Concentrate on me, angel. Listen to me and follow my words, okay?”

It’s scary. The monster doesn’t want him to calm down but Chan is more present, more there, more comforting, and  _ will you finally shut up? _

Breath in. Hold breath. Breath out. 

Repeat.

Finally, finally, finally, his chest loosens. And with it, come the tears again.

But now, the fight has drained from Felix’s muscles, they relax and he tips forward as he breaks into silent, shivering sobs.

He doesn’t fall deep - Chan is there to catch him. Like he always is. His arms envelop Felix, his voice drifts around him, deep, soothing, comforting. 

Felix doesn’t remember what caused the shift in his mood, but the warmth of Chan’s sweater around him makes him forget about the world, reduces his universe to promises of  _ warmth, comfort, home, there,  _ and  _ Chan, Chan, Chan, Chan. _

His tears soak Chan’s sweater until he has no more tears to give.

“Sleep,” Chan whispers, warm, shaking fingers gently detangling his messy hair. “We’ll be here. I’ll be here. We’ll help you to get through this.” 

And so, Felix sleeps.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you guys are okay  
> as hard as i find this to believe myself but i force myself to write it: even if nothing might make sense atm, everything will be okay again one day
> 
> take care everyone
> 
> <3<3<3


End file.
